He's NOT my Boyfriend
by Playboy-Philanthropist
Summary: Sam and Dean face a brand new creature that will leave them questioning everything they thought they knew about themselves. (semi crack, meant to be humorous) DESTIEL, SABRIEL, M/M, MILDLY GRAPHIC SEX,
1. Chapter 1

Sam sighed and closed his computer. Research was getting him nowhere on this case and he was losing patience. He looked over to where Dean was snoring gently on his bed in the dingy motel room they had picked for the night. "Damnit Dean." Sam said to himself. "You choose now of all times to actually sleep?"

"Dean has obviously over-exerted himself."

Sam jumped as Castiel suddenly appeared before him. "Cas, man, I told you to stop doing that!"

"My apologies. I got some information on the creature you're hunting. I thought you would like to hear it." Cas said, sitting on Sam's bed.

"Yes, please, let's hear it." Sam encouraged, turning to face the angel.

"I would like Dean to be awake for this."

Sam sighed and stood, walking over to his brother. He leaned down and clapped loudly in Dean's ear. "Wake up sleepy head we have a case to work on!"

Dean jolted awake, springing up from the bed into a sort of ninja pose. "What the hell, Sammy?"

"Your boyfriend's here to give us information."

Dean scowled, straightening his jacket. "Cas is not my boyfriend."

"But Dean, I am male, and your friend, so wouldn't that in fact make me your boy friend?" Castiel pointed out, tilting his head confusedly.

Dean glared at Sammy in an accusing manner before turning to Cas. "Just tell us your information."

Cas blinked and nodded. "I found the prophet. He says that he has seen the creature you are fighting in a vision."

Dean and Sam waited for a second but Castiel didn't continue. "And?" Dean prompted.

"And it's something that you only thought was a legend. Nobody alive as seen it, and very few believe in its existence."

"What's it called?" Sam asked, instantly moving to his books of lore.

"It's called the Lar. It kills by seducing its prey, then feeding on its internal organs before skinning the carcass and feeding it to it's multitude of cats."

"Cats? Are you being serious right now?" Dean asked.

"Deadly. The Lar is dangerous. It's highly seductive and can appear as anyone depending on the prey's preferences. Felines are extremely fond of it and it cares for them and is highly protective of the ones that choose to follow it for long periods of time."

"So, Crazy Cat Lady seduces men and then eats them?"

"Not just men. Women are known to have fallen prey to the Lar in the legends as well."

"Great. Well, that narrows down our possible victims a lot." Dean said sarcastically.

"Hold on." Sam said, a large leather-bound book open in his lap. "It says here that the Lar only feeds on preys that are 'aesthetically pleasing'."

"Okay, so we find all the hotties in the area and watch their houses."

"But how do we determine who is a, as you say, 'hottie'?" Cas asked.

Dean chuckled. "Well, I think I got the chicks covered." He grinned suggestively.

"Right." Sam said. "Well, since Dean isn't coming out of the closet anytime soon, I'm comfortable enough with my manhood to say that a man is hot."

"I'm not gay!" Dean exclaimed. His proclamation was ignored as Sam flipped a page.

"Okay it says that to kill the Lar you need to…wait. Am I reading this right?" Sam held the book out to Castiel who accepted it and skimmed over the paragraph.

"It says to kill the Lar it needs to be so overcome with positive emotions that its heart explodes."

"How the hell do we manage that?" Dean demanded.

Sam took the book back from Castiel. "Legend says that the Lar experiences intense emotions while watching two people who are genuinely in love…er…'mate'. It says the more in love they are and the more passionate it is, the more intense the emotions and the quicker the death."

Dean stared at Sam, mouth open. "Are you being serious right now? This is all some sort of prank, isn't it? Well congratulations Sammy, you got me. I just want to know how you got Cas to go along with it."

"This isn't a prank, Dean." Castiel said seriously. "You are in danger. Both of you are. You are both what is considered very attractive on Earth and the Lar could easily come after either one of you."

"Well if the Lar can appear as anyone, how to we protect ourselves from it?"

"You can't. That is why I have asked Gabriel to help."

At the mention of the Archangel there was a flapping sound and suddenly Gabriel was standing next to Castiel, arms crossed and smirk firmly in place. "What's up, Winchesters?"

"Help with what, exactly?" Sam asked.

"Watching over you. Making sure you don't do anything stupid. We all know how guys think, with our little heads instead of the ones on our shoulders." Gabriel grinned. Dean shrugged, not disagreeing with the Archangel's statement.

"We know you can't be together at all times, so when you must be separated, I will stay with Dean and Gabriel will follow Sam." Castiel explained.

"Like guardian angels." Dean chuckled.

"All angels are guardian angels, Dean that is our purpo-"

"It was a joke, Cas." Sam interrupted.

"Oh."

Dean flashed Cas a small smile, making the angel blush in embarrassment.

"Anyway, you two are to stay with us at all times. Do not trust anyone, even people you think you know."

Sam and Dean shared a pointed look and a shrug.

"Cool. So you guys just going to hang here while we sleep?" Sam wondered.

"Yeah, some quiet time with the Winchesters and my little brother sounds wonderful right now." Gabriel said sarcastically.

"Right. Well, beer's in the fridge if you want some." Dean said, plopping down onto his bed.

"Please don't just stare at us while we sleep." Sam added, crawling into his bed as well. "Find something to do."

"Watch some Casa Erotica." Dean suggested.

Gabriel shrugged at Castiel, who shook his head no before turning out the lights.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So since the first chapter was so well-received, here's the second installment of "He's NOT my Boyfriend". This chapter is mostly about Dean and Castiel, with a little bit of an interaction with all four of our boys at the end. Your guys' reviews make me very happy, and I'm glad you all like it so far!**

**Enjoy!**

**DISCLAIMER: I forgot to do this on the last one, so here you go. I own nothing about Supernatural. I just write the characters into compromising situations for my own enjoyment. =)**

Dean lounged on his bed, casually flipping through a Rolling Stones magazine. It had been two days of lockdown and he was bored out of his mind.

"You don't have to hold me prisoner, you know." He called out to Cas.

"You don't exactly have the best track record, Dean." Castiel responded from where he was leaning against the wall.

"I'm not going to sleep with Crazy Cat Lady, Cas."

"The Lar plays up to your deepest desires, and as I said, your track record is not admirable."

"Well if you're going to babysit me we can at least go on a field trip." Dean said, tossing the magazine aside and standing.

"To where?"

"Just come with me." Dean grinned mischievously, grabbing his keys.

"Dean, I don't find this wise."

"Come on, Cas! Gabriel let Sam go out. I do have self-control you know."

"Gabriel took Sam to get supplies." Cas reminded Dean. "It was necessary and they won't be gone long."

Dean sighed and gave Cas a pleading look, holding up his keys. Castiel lowered his gaze, contemplating Dean's request. Finally he sighed and pushed himself off the wall, nodding. Dean grinned and opened the door, leading Cas out to the Impala. They drove for several minutes in silence. Finally Cas turned to Dean.

"Dean, where are we going?"

"You'll see." Dean smirked, pulling into the parking lot of an unmarked building with blacked out windows. Dean motioned for Cas to follow him into the building. The angel did so reluctantly, stopping dead in his tracks once inside.

"Dean, this isn't exactly the best place to go to avoid being seduced." Cas said, squinting through the strobe lights at the scantily clad women.

"Relax. We're just window shopping. If I start to get…handsy…just zap us back to the motel."

Cas started to protest but Dean was already heading toward the bar. Cas sighed and followed, sliding onto the stool next to Dean.

"Two scotches, please." Dean told the waitress, who nodded and winked, tossing her red hair over her shoulder. Dean grinned and winked back and Castiel nudged him in the ribs, giving him a pointed look. Dean cleared his throat and nodded, accepting the drinks from the waitress, who gave him a pointed look.

"He's cute."

Dean looked at her, confused, and she nodded toward Castiel. "Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend." Dean said.

"Okay." The waitress said, unconvinced. Dean smiled until she had turned around then he grimaced and slid one of the glasses over to Cas.

"What was the point of coming here, exactly?" Castiel asked, downing his drink in one swallow.

"Careful, Cas. You don't wanna go too fast." Dean said, taking a drink of his own glass.

"Angels have a higher tolerance for alcohol than humans do. We need to consume approximately three times as much to feel the same effect."

"Oh. Well, then by all means, drink up." Dean grinned, downing the rest of his glass. "We came here to have a little fun. We can't hunt, so we might as well do something enjoyable."

"To who is watching scantily clad women dance around poles enjoyable?" Castiel wondered, looking around at the girls on stage.

"To just about every man on Earth." Dean said as if it were obvious. "I mean, assuming they're straight."

"Then I must not be 'straight'." Castiel said, uncomfortably shifting away from a dancer who was passing by.

"You what?"

"I do not find this enjoyable, Dean." Castiel told him urgently. "If I don't find this enjoyable am I not 'straight'?"

Dean rubbed his eyes and sighed. "No, Cas, it does not mean you're not straight. You're an angel. You're bound to be uncomfortable around strippers."

"But if I wasn't 'straight' would that bother you?" Castiel asked.

"What? No! Wh – you're not _gay_ Cas. You're an angel. For all we know you're asexual or whatever." Dean said. "Now can we stop talking about this? I just want to drink and watch some women dance."

Castiel shrugged and Dean ordered another two scotches, turning on his stool to watch the women on stage. He and Castiel watched the stage for a good twenty minutes before the amount of liquids he had consumed got to him. He turned to Castiel.

"Wait here, I have to pee."

"Dean I don't…"

"I'll be fine, Cas. You're not coming into the bathroom with me." Dean insisted, standing from the stool. Castiel gave in, slumping back against the bar and Dean made his way toward the bathroom. He entered the tiled room to discover that it was empty. He made his way to a urinal when the door opened again. He looked over to see Castiel walking into the room.

"Damnit Cas, I told you not to follow me!"

"I'm sorry Dean. I couldn't help myself." Cas said, approaching Dean, placing his hands on the hunter's shoulders.

Dean backed away. "Woah, what are you doing?"

"Don't resist this, Dean. I know you want it was much as I do."

"What are you talking abo-" Dean was cut off when Cas' lips covered his own. Dean froze, but Cas didn't move away. Instead he began moving his lips against Dean's, slipping his tongue through and running it against Dean's lips.

Dean held his hands up, confused as to where to put them. Slowly he felt himself giving into the embrace, his lips moving against Castiel's hesitantly. Just as he was about to place his hands on Castiel's shoulders the door burst open and Castiel sprang away to reveal another form at the door.

"Cas?" Dean looked between the Castiels, confusion evident in his face.

"Dean, run! It's the Lar!" The Cas standing at the door shouted.

Dean looked at the fake Cas, confused, and pulled his knife, rushing toward the door. The fake Castiel grabbed him and threw him across the room into a stall. Dean crumpled against the grimy toilet, his vision blurring. He squinted up at the two Castiels, who were swinging and dodging each other.

"Cas, catch!" Dean threw the knife and one of the Castiel's caught it. He sincerely hoped it was the real Castiel as darkness clouded his vision, and he slipped down to the floor, unconscious.

When Dean finally came to he had a pounding headache. He rubbed his temple with his palm and tried to sit up.

"Don't move." Came a gruff voice.

"Cas?" Dean said, squinting up at the angel. "Where are we?

"At the motel. You've been unconscious for about two hours." Castiel explained, handing Dean a glass of water and a couple pills. Dean accepted them gratefully and popped the pills into his mouth, draining the glass of water.

"What happened? After I passed out, I mean."

"The Lar attacked me. You threw me the knife and I tried to stab it, but I missed and it disappeared. This was exactly why I didn't want you to go alone, Dean."

"Wait, if that was really the Lar, then why…" Dean trailed off. The Lar had appeared to him as Cas. But that was ridiculous. Dean wasn't _attracted_ to Cas! Hell, he was attracted to any guy!

"The Lar appears to you as what you truly desire." Castiel said. "Whether you are willing to admit to yourself that you desire it or not."

"But that's stupid. It appeared as you!" Dean said. "No offense, Cas, you're a great person…angel…whatever. But I don't _desire_ you."

"The Lar seems to disagree." Castiel said flatly.

"Well, I disagree with the Lar." Dean said harshly, standing from the bed and pouring himself a glass of whiskey.

"Dean is that wise right after hitting your head?"

"I've done worse after experiencing worse, Cas, trust me." Dean said, taking a large drink, grimacing as it burned his throat. Castiel sighed and sat in a chair, leaning on his elbows. Dean took another drink and nearly choked on it when the door slammed open and Gabriel strolled inside. Sam followed behind, laden with shopping bags.

"I thought you guys were going for food." Dean said.

"Correction, we were going for supplies." Gabriel said. "Which we did, in fact, do. We just made a few stops along the way."

Sam set the five shopping bags on the bed and Gabriel began pulling things out. There were clothes, hair care products, shoes, and an assortment of small knick knacks that were certain to be a burden on the road.

"What is all this crap?" Dean asked. "Sam, you let him buy all this stuff?"

Sam shrugged. "It was easier to just let him do what he wanted than argue with him. Have you ever tried to argue with a trickster, Dean?"

"No, but this crap is going to slow us down on the road. We don't have room for all of it!"

"That's why it's staying with me." Gabriel said cheerfully. "Please, you think I actually bought you a gaming console so it can get ruined in the back of that death trap you call a car?"

"Hey! Watch what you say about my baby!" Dean snapped defensively.

"Anyway, this bag is all of your hunting stuff. Salt, iron chains, the works." Gabriel held it out to Dean. "And this bag is Sam's clothes, and this one Dean's."

Sam and Dean took the bags and looked through them.

"At least he knows my style." Dean said, pulling out a package of black t-shirts and an assortment of button-ups.

"Really, Gabriel? Plaid?" Sam asked, pulling out his shirts.

"You can't say you don't wear a lot of plaid, Sam." Gabriel said, plopping into the chair next to Castiel.

"I do not!" Sam protested. Dean chuckled.

"Yeah, dude, you kind of do."

Sam glared at him and Dean held his hands up apologetically. They put their clothes back in the bags.

"What did you guys do today?" Sam asked.

Dean looked at Cas and sighed. "We went on a field trip, and got hit up by the Lar."

"What? You waited until now to mention this?" Sam exclaimed.

"It wasn't exactly the best experience I've had in a while. I'm not really all that eager to talk about it."

"Well, you kind of have to. What happened?"

"I got bored and took Cas to a strip club. I went to the bathroom and the Lar approached me. Cas had followed me and was able to stop me from doing anything with it, and it threw me across the room. Castiel tried to stab it and it disappeared."

"What was it like. I mean, what did it appear as?"

Dean cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes.

"It appeared as m-"

"Angelina Jolie!" Dean interrupted Cas, throwing the angel a dirty look. "Good old Angelina, that's who it was."

"Okay…why don't I believe you?" Sam asked.

"I don't know, why don't you?" Dean countered. "It was Angelina Jolie."

"Dean, you're my brother. I can tell when you're hiding something."

Dean rubbed his face and cleared his throat. "Fine. This doesn't mean anything though. The Lar obviously got confused." Dean looked over at Cas, who raised his eyebrows. "It was Cas."

Sam raised his eyebrows. "The Lar appeared as Cas? To you?"

"Yeah. But there's no way that could be right. I mean, come on! Me, desire _Cas_?"

Sam shrugged. "Well, I mean, you guys do act sort of…"

"What? Gay?" Dean demanded.

"No! Just…flirtatious."

"I'm not in love with Cas!" Dean shouted. "No offense to him but he's not exactly my type. Too much down there and not enough up here." Dean said, gesturing to his chest.

"Right. Well, regardless of how it appeared to you, now that we know how it's going to appear we need to come up with a plan." Sam said, sitting on his bed. Dean sighed and plopped onto his bed while the angels drug their chairs up to form a sort of powwow.

Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes, trying hard to focus on what his brother and the two angels were saying. It was going to be a long night.


End file.
